"john stockton couldn't assist you"

Friday, September 18, 2009

in preparation for the upcoming nba season, yahoo sports has been compiling lists of the top (fill in the blank). top draft busts, top moments, top six men, top this, and top that. for the most part, those lists are fairly easy to create. there isn't too much critical thought required to create a list of the top draft busts in our era. there are obvious selections like kwame "flaming faggot" brown (credit: michael jordan) and darko milicic. for top six men, of course you would write in manu ginobili and leandro barbosa. as a fan of both basketball and general thought, i wanted a list that required more than stating the obvious. i wanted a list that would cause uproarious discussion. i wanted a list that made me think. after racking my brain for about five minutes, the only alternative i could think of was a list of the top white american nba players who played primarily after 2000.

i started making the list, but i strayed and started throwing out names like dirk nowitzki (german), steve nash (canadian), and tim duncan (kind of black). i realized that making a list of the top white (general) players isn't too difficult because you can include marginally well adjusted players like hedo turkoglu and bonafide stars like manu ginobili. you see, i'm trying to keep it strictly white american because that immediately raises the difficulty quotient. off the top of my head, i couldn't name ten white american players that were widely accepted as great. strictly staying in the post 2000 era eliminated players like larry bird, chris mullin, and fringe players like rex chapman. somebody like john stockton who retired in 2003 wasn't included because he played the majority of his career in the 90s. this caused the pool to be infinitely smaller and definitely more difficult to come up with something. anyways, i'm probably going to miss some because the white american nba player is just so inconspicuous. here we go...

+ brad miller
years active 1998 to current
teams charlotte hornets, chicago bulls, indiana pacers, sacramento kings
achievements 2x nba all-star
why he's on this list i find it hilarious that the first player i thought of was brad miller. sure, he's a 2x nba all-star, but brad miller is the epitome of mediocrity. never great, but never useless, he's made a living off of mid-range shooting, attempting to rebound well, and getting lumped in trades. he looks like he either lives in a cabin or works on a construction site. he's probably the kind of man that goes home after a game, guzzles a beer (read: budweiser, coors, pbr), and shoots cans with a pellet gun.

+ kirk hinrich
years active 2003 to current
teams chicago bulls
achievements jersey retired at kansas
why he's on this list simply stated, kirk hinrich was a god at kansas and had a promising nba career that was derailed by a sequence of unfortunate events (read: injuries, derrick rose being born). hinrich is intense and while nobody would declare him a lockdown defender, he put more effort in a single defensive assignment than steve nash has put forth in his entire career. a couple of seasons ago, dwayne wade and pat riley cried about hinrich's intensity on defense. basically, wade was like this, "wah! wah! kirk hinrich slapped the shit out of my wrists! wah!" gully. hinrich's nearly the prototypical white player except for the fact that he can't shoot. in that regard, he's like the white jamal crawford. oh shit, remember this?

+ brent barry
years active 1995 to current
teams los angeles clippers, miami heat, chicago bulls, seattle supersonics, san antonio spurs, houston rockets
achievements 2x nba champion, seed of rick barry, 1996 slam dunk champion
why he's on this list brent barry is one of those players that never realized or cared about his true potential. he had the ability to do nearly everything. in fact, it's harder to make a list of things he couldn't do on the court. at 6'7", he was capable of running the point and coaches and commentators marveled at his versatility. to date, he is the only white slam dunk champion and hits 41% of his shots from beyond the arc. despite his natural abilities, barry has been a disappointment. there was no excuse for a player of his caliber to have career averages of 9.3 ppg and 25.9 mpg. seriously though, he had the ability in him, just watch the video. this fool didn't even bother to take off his jacket.

+ jason williams
years active 1998 to current
teams sacramento kings, memphis grizzlies, miami heat, orlando magic
achievements 1x nba champion, respect from black people
why he's on this list he's white chocolate. he's had far more exposure than any white american in the nba since larry bird. he couldn't shoot, defend, avoid turnovers, or play intelligently, but shit, he was fun to watch. all of his deficiencies didn't matter because he put fans in seats and exhilarated them night in and night out. whereas rafer alston toned down his game and sprinkled flourishes of his streetball background, williams flaunted it and taunted opponents with his unorthodox abilities. oh, did i mention he was gully? after being swept by phoenix in the 2005 nba playoffs, he was quoted as saying "i'm happy. i go home and see my kids and my wife and i'm ok. all of this shit is secondary to me." winning, shooting well, etc. yes, all that shit was secondary to white chocolate, but honestly, i couldn't care less either. *passes off elbow at full speed*

+ david lee
years active 2005 to current
teams new york knicks
achievements none
why he's on this list you see how hard this list has been? i've included a player (see: brent barry) that has done literally nothing in his career and david lee, a relative nobody. he might play for the high profile new york knicks and he's probably well known by fantasy basketball managers, but seriously, do you know much about david lee? he's a double double waiting to happen. he might have no ability in the post, no mid-range jumper, no actual basketball skill, but he has a few things going for him. he works hard and he knows where to be at all times. he's not out there making faces and yelling like pau gasol while simultaneously getting yammed on. you don't average a double double by being some sucker. lee knows where to go when the ball is up for grabs. he makes the most of his limited offensive ability and takes advantage of put backs and follow ups.

+ mike miller
years active 2000 to current
teams orlando magic, memphis grizzlies, minnesota timberwolves
achievements 2006 sixth man of the year
why he's on this list until last year, mike miller had strung together a solid career. he's a good (and sometimes excellent) shooter that fills up well in other categories. he's never been on a good team, but he plays fairly well for shitty teams. he looks like a cross between a hillbilly, penn gillette, and eminem. other than peja stojakovic, i haven't seen a player, white or black, that could drain threes on a consistent bases so effortlessly. for example, he had a run in 2007 where he hit at least seven three-pointers in three consecutive games. unfortunately, he has the mentality of brent barry and probably will amount to nothing but a white dude that shot a lot of 3's for shitty teams.

some other decent white american nba players include: mike dunleavy jr. (nevermind), chris kaman (grizzly man), kyle korver (ashton!), wally szerbiak (pre-cavaliers only), troy murphy (actually decent), and luke ridnour (lol).

wow, how did i even get six good players out of that...



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